Updated: Jan 23, 2019
How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting
Andrea Seydel Live Life happy Unconventional Bookclub
Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham is a groundbreaking guide to raising responsible, capable, happy kids. Based on the latest research on brain development and clinical experience with parents, Dr. Laura Markham's approach is simple and effective. If you are tired of power struggles, tantrums, and searching for the right "consequences," look no further.
Parenting is one of the toughest things we do. The pressures of everyday life leaves parents feeling guilty, stressed and full of pressure. IT DOES NOT NEED TO BE LIKE THIS. Discover a new perspective on parenting.
1. REGULATING YOURSELF: Peaceful Parents Raise Happy Kids
Most parents think that if our child would just "behave" we could maintain our composure as parents. Truth is that managing our own emotions and actions is what allows us to feel peaceful as parents. Parenting isn't about what a child does but rather how we respond to it. GOAL is to stay calm enough to respond constructively to all behaviour. NOT JUST REACT.
ACTIONABLE TIPS: Be mindful of you own inner state. Heal your own wounds. Parent consciously. Use an inner peace button. Reset your own story. De-stress. Manage your anger by taking 5, discharge anger, change thoughts, listen to anger, calm down before disciplining, avoid force and threats, monitor force and word choice, choose your battles. Commit to stop yelling. Nurture yourself. Keep choosing love.
2. FOSTERING CONNECTION: The Essential Ingredient for Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids
Children thrive when they feel connected and understood. Parenting effectively depends above all on your connections to your child. Without connection we have little influence. "He doesn't listen to me,"sound familiar? and parenting becomes exhausting. Connection makes children feel safe and their brain works better when they feel entirely safe. The loving connection that makes our hearts melt is what puts the joy back in child raising.
ACTIONABLE TIPS: Consider child's emotional bank account, implement special time, give 100% attention, develop rituals to connect throughout the day, become a good listener by paying attention, be fully present for your child.
3. COACHING, NOT CONTROLLING
Small humans rebel against force and control, just as big humans do. But they remain open to influence as long as they feel respect and connected to us. What raises great kids is coaching them to handle their emotions, manage their behaviour and develop mastery rather than controlling for immediate compliance. Raising Children that can Manage Themselves: Emotional Coaching Coach your children to manage emotions and make wise choices. Offer your child unconditional love, respect and scaffolding or structure. Support don't rescue.
Raising Children Who Want to Behave: Dare Not to Discipline. Use emphatic limits rather than punishment (time out or consequences) to coach self-discipline rather than pushing child into obedience. Don't sweat the small stuff.
ACTIONABLE TIPS: Recognize your childs emotional backpack.1. Exercise empathy by listening and accepting without pressure to solve. Understand anger as a universal human feeling that can be managed and controlled. Acknowledge anger rather than ignore or punish. 2. Meet your child's needs. 3. Teach problem solving and understanding of emotions as messages. 4. Set limits where necessary. 5. create safety and support. 6. Set limits with empathy. Love is a more effective motivator over time than fear or force. ("I don't yell at you, so please don't yell at me. You must be really upset to use the tone of voice. What's the matter?") ("Do you want to come in now, or in 5 minutes?"): 7. Wean yourself off consequences. Invite cooperation with your phrasing ("go brush your teeth now.") vs. ("Do you want to brush your teeth now or after you put your PJ's on?")
MORE ACTIONABLE TIPS:
Rules to follow to raise terrific kids: 1. Manage Yourself 2. Be your child's advocate and don't give up on him. 3. Discipline by guiding and seeing limits. 4. Remember children need a safe place to express feelings while you listen. 5. A child wishes you understood that they are trying as hard as they can. 6. Don't take it personally. 7. All behaviour comes from basic needs that aren't met. 8. Best parenting expert is your child. 9. Stay connected and never withdrawal your love, even for a moment.
This book helps parents better understand our own emotions so we can parent with healthy limits, empathy, and clear communication. These practical tools will help you transform your parenting in a positive proven way.Most parenting books focus on changing the child's behaviour. But, Dr. Laura Markham shifts the perspective to three big ideas- regulating yourself, fostering connection and coaching.
Book Link: https://amzn.to/2CE0LYP